Know Your Value, Stand Your Ground

Know Your Value, Stand Your Ground

I don’t know who needs to hear this today…

I definitely needed to hear this in my own head a few days ago.

Someone I know quite well from college, whom I respect a great deal, and who has supported my writing here for some time…

Reached out to me for coaching help, knowing quite well this is what I do at the highest level.

Asked how much it would cost to review a separation agreement and discuss it.

I quoted him my price.

$700/hr. for a one-off call or a bit less per hour, if it’s a longer program.

The answer I received really surprised me…

Not in a good way, either.

“I am not saying you’re not worth it, but I can’t pay $700/hr. I really don’t want to insult you, so here’s my calculus…"

Basically, that an employment attorney is cheaper per hour and bills in quarter-hour increments.

“Let me again reiterate that I respect you and don’t mean to demean your capabilities, but my max would be $180 for 30 minutes.”

Hm, curious.

The guy was a Goldman VP before this last job, first of all.

Money’s clearly NOT an issue.

Great guy, I have nothing against him.

I’ve met his family.

We went to college together, he’s eaten at my table.

Speaking very frankly, I didn’t feel insulted at all.

I felt sad for him.

Not just because of the fixed mindset thing in play (always a sad thing).

Not just because the rhetoric doesn’t match the reality.

Not because I appear commoditized in his mind as some other coach, whatever.

Not because this hurts my ego or anything.

This is someone who’s not just any ex-Goldman guy, but someone with a big brain (a real intellectual with a spiritual bent) and a big heart.

Or so I thought, until he contradicted himself and tried bargaining with me.

Sad that time and life experience can wear down even the best of us.

But all the same, I emerged from the episode quite the opposite of pissed or annoyed or hurt.

I thought at that moment about how I’m glad that I’m not:

1) in a place where I need the money so badly I would stoop to bargaining with him.

2) defensive, because that’s a dark place to be, as well.

3) holding on too tightly to things I used to hold on to, from a place of ego.

I know the truly massive value of my coaching (plenty of testimonials to back it up).

Not just for VPs in bulge-bracket banks, although I’ve coached at least a couple hundred by now.

Not just in salary and separation negotiations, but also shedding light on how HR and Legal work and think, in the background.

I do my magic in leaps and bounds.

Huge raises, promotions, getting people into their dream jobs, sharing hidden tricks and insights into black box processes, as a head of HR who knows how the “sausage” is made.

Not everyone knows this, of course.

Maybe I need to market better, LOL.

He’s never worked with me.

[That prospect looks quite unlikely after this, regardless.]

I’m just a guy from college to him with a crazy life story, someone who writes his heart out in a newsletter.

A guy who’s so open, he’ll probably be open to giving great advice for a bargain-basement price.

I can’t blame him, I guess.

Finance has a way of making people think a certain way.

I worked in it, but I guess not for long enough or in a lucrative enough role.

It didn’t rub off on me, thankfully.

In the past, I would have written him a thesis defense to respond.

Instead, I simply wished him the best of luck by email and said thanks for supporting my writing in the past.

And I meant it, sincerely.

I stood my ground and mostly just laughed, happily, looking inside.

Growth as a human is a great thing.

Infinitely more valuable than a huge hourly rate or a big project.

If you work with people who don’t truly appreciate you, you will feel like shit, guaranteed.

If you go back across No-Man’s Land to where you already surmounted your own limitations, you will slide backwards.

No money is worth that, in the end.

No gimmick or people-pleasing move can make up for the damage of going against yourself and your nature and character.

I would know, since I did it quite a bit in the past while cringing inside and feeling like shit about myself.

I needed the money. I needed to support my family, to keep building my business.

Nothing dishonorable about it, but sure didn’t feel good inside.

There was “no room” to say no.

And even so, I did say no as much as I could, even when I couldn’t “afford” to.

It hurt me, hurt my family, but I did manage to climb out of the massive hole and stay out.

Thank G-d, I can have my dignity and eat my proverbial cake in peace.

Yes, this is all a small and silly story, on the surface.

But maybe one of you reading will remember to say no to the wrong opportunity or offer because of it.

Maybe one of you will walk back off the cliff to avoid stepping on their own neck by pleasing others reflexively.

Perhaps one of you will decide not to bargain, but just to say it’s not a good fit, I went with someone else.

Perhaps I’m just talking to myself for closure here.

Either way, why not share?

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One other thing. Wording matters. A lot.

If you say you’re not questioning someone’s value as a professional, then do exactly that right after, at least don’t go bargaining with them in the same message.

You’re doing twice the damage by losing that person’s respect and to yourself for stooping to such a level.

Honor is a big thing.

Listen, G-d bless, no judgment. Still a good family man, nothing against that.

Just having a little good-natured fun with friends by email.

“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh. Otherwise, they’ll kill you.” - Oscar Wilde

With kindness, no need to worry.

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